Is It Possible to NOT FIGHT?
In our culture, people often say “All couples fight, everybody fights.” Do you think it is true? Is it possible that we are socialized to think that way?
What is your definition of the word “fight?” The Free Dictionary online says the definition is “To attempt to harm or gain power over an adversary by blows or with weapons.” Honestly, do you think that dynamic EVER belongs between a man and a woman? I contend that it does NOT.
Every man and woman will experience hurt feelings, take offense, misinterpret, misunderstand, experience insensitivity by the significant other, etc. We are imperfect people and we fall short. I believe couples can learn to honestly convey thoughts and feelings in meaningful conversations without fighting.
Important Steps Include;
- Understand if your partner is an Internal Processor or an External Processor. Learn how to embrace the way he or she is “wired.” Also understand the type of Processor you are, and seek to grow in light of these characteristics.
- Always identify the problem as the problem, not the person as the problem. This will help to keep you on the same team. Examples:
- “The problem is we see this problem differently, with different solutions. Let’s brainstorm compromises & the pros and cons of our different solutions. Then decide.”
- “The problem is you feel hurt and offended by what I said. Let’s talk about how I can reassure you, clarify my intention and repair the harm done.”
- Commit to the mutual agreement that two different views are both valued, there is not a right and a wrong. If you insist on being right, you are each thrown onto opposing teams. If you need to win, stick to sports.
- Take responsibility for your shortcomings and your mistakes. Then your partner does not need to point it out. Be humble and honest, this will increase emotional intimacy.
- Learn to ACCEPT how she/he feels whether or not you understand it, and whether or not you agree. ACCEPT the feeling, and give REASSURANCE.