Is It Possible to NOT FIGHT?
Consider the topic of couples fighting; In our culture, people often say “All couples fight, everybody fights.” Do you think it is true? I believe this is a limiting belief that robs people of happiness, because we accept the dysfunctional instead of refusing it. Is it possible that we are socialized to think that way?
What is your definition of the word “fight?” The Free Dictionary online says the definition is “To attempt to harm or gain power over an adversary by blows or with weapons.” Honestly, do you think that dynamic EVER belongs between a man and a woman? Do you think that dynamic EVER belongs in any couple? I contend that it does NOT.
Every man and woman will experience hurt feelings, take offense, misinterpret, misunderstand, experience insensitivity by the significant other, etc. We are imperfect people and we fall short. Fighting does not have to be the consequence, and should not be the outcome. I believe couples can learn to honestly convey thoughts and feelings in meaningful conversations without fighting. If you can not remain composed when upset, call now; 949-697-4332.
Couples Fighting- Don’t do it!!! Important Steps Include;
- Understand if your partner is an Internal Processor or an External Processor. Learn how to embrace the way he or she is “wired.” Also understand the type of Processor you are, and seek to grow in light of these characteristics. Often conflict ensues because of the process of being wired differently, you never even get to the content of the issues needing to be discussed.
- Always identify the problem as the problem, not the person as the problem. This will help to keep you on the same team. Examples:
- “The problem is we see this problem differently, with different solutions. Let’s brainstorm compromises & the pros and cons of our different solutions. Then decide.”
- “The problem is you feel hurt and offended by what I said. Let’s talk about how I can reassure you, clarify my intention and repair the harm done.”
- Seeing the person as the problem automatically creates an offense/defense dynamic. WRONG. It is important that you are both on the same team, refuse to see either of you as the problem.
- Couples fighting is the opposite of a solution, come together to address the problem as the problem.
- Commit to the mutual agreement that two different views are both valued, there is not a right and a wrong. If you insist on being right, you are each thrown onto opposing teams. If you need to win, stick to sports.
- Take responsibility for your shortcomings and your mistakes. Then your partner does not need to point it out. Be humble and honest, this will increase emotional intimacy.
- Learn to ACCEPT how she/he feels whether or not you understand it, and whether or not you agree. ACCEPT the feeling, and give REASSURANCE.